Posted by failedsurvival | Filed under Depressed,Depression,Sad,Suicide,Change,Life,Story,
It seems I haven’t posted anything in such a long time, it may seem strange.
But I am alive, I haven’t killed myself yet. I’ve been going through some intense life changes and I’ve been really busy.
The thought of ending my life is…well a bit less but it doesn’t go away. It’s always on the tip of my brain. The thought is always there, but I feel less complied to commit the act.
My parents made me move again, to a batter country this time, but still not a developed one. I hate my life and the person I’ve become having to go through all of this. I didn’t notice that much before but it seems that I’ve changed so much. I used to be a loud outgoing person before we moved, but now I’m a quiet person and I hardly socialize. And there’s really not much that I can do about it…
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February 9, 2012
Posted by failedsurvival | Filed under Depressed,Hope,Sad,Lost,Depression,Suicide,Suicidal,
I really don’t know what I’m living for now a days. I don’t enjoy doing anything. I can’t remember what fun feels like. What’s the point?
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October 6, 2011
My smile’s look faker than this now a days
September 25, 2011
Posted by failedsurvival | Filed under Suicide,Depression,Death,Why,Reason,Scared,Afraid,Jumping,Jumper,Cutting,Cutter,
I think the reason why I haven’t tried to seriously kill myself is because I’m afraid. Not of dying, but of not dying. I’ve seen all those suicide fails and how the people ended up after they survived. I’m afraid of cutting too far sometimes because I’m afraid of cutting something wrong and not being able to move my fingers. I’m afraid of hanging myself because theres a chance I’ll survive with brain damage. I’m afraid of jumping because I could be paralyzed. I’m afraid I might survive.
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September 21, 2011
Posted by failedsurvival | Filed under Suicide,Back,Return,Depression,Cutting,Blood,Cutter,Tired,Done,
I haven’t been on in a while. I’ve been too busy being depressed. I just didn’t have enough energy to on the the computer and blog about my retarded life. But hey look on the bright side, I went a month without cutting. Not because I don’t have suicidal thoughts everyday, but because I was getting no where with doing it. I started cutting again because without cutting I hurt on the inside more.
I’m tired of it all.
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September 4, 2011
Don't hurt yourself. I understand the pain and how it hurts everyday, but suicide is not the solution. Yeah sure your pain will end, but everyone in your life will suffer for the rest of their lives. Life does get better, just take it one step at a time. You can do this. You are a great person and you deserve to live a happy life.
You are an amazing person.
- Anonymous
If not them than me. The amount of depression I feel all just isn’t worth living.
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June 29, 2011
Yeah, you may be getting closer and closer to it, but something's keeping you hanging on. To be honest (and I haven't told people this), I've tried. I've tried taking prescription pills with nyquil, like 2 different times. And I always woke up. And I think I did that because with that kind of suicide attempt, there's a chance you'll live. I could have hanged myself, but then I knew I'd die for sure. And although I wanted out of the hell I've been going through, I took the pills and fell asleep because I knew there was a chance I'd survive. I know everyone probably tells you 'it gets better' because that's what everyone tells me. And eventually I got sick of hearing it and I never knew when the fuck it would get better. But it's getting better. I'm not totally there yet, but I'm getting there. What's keeping me holding on is knowing that someday I'll be extremely blessed with happiness because I've been putting up with this for a long time. We were given our lives because we're strong enough to live them. And when we reach that happiness, it'll all be worth it. I promise. You just gotta keep telling yourself 'one more day' everyday. Because I know I don't know you, but I'd care if you went through with it. There are so many people dying from cancer and other diseases, or people that were murdered, or people that were in an accident. There are people FIGHTING not to die, and you're
- caitlinnmariie
I’m glad that you’re getting better and better, but honestly I don’t want to. I’m past wanting to be happy and I just want to be done with this. And yea, i know there are people out there that are fighting really hard to live more, but I’m just not one of them..
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June 27, 2011
don't commit suicide. don't cut. it'll take time, but till then make an inspiration blog. start over. look at all the people who have overcome this pain, because next it will be you. screw the people who don't believe in you. take the number and multiply in be five hundred. do you have your answer?
thats the number of people you believe in you and hope that someday everything will work out for you. those people might not be near you but there on this earth, one of them is me the rest are here for you too.
- Anonymous
I just don’t see the hope you’re seeing.
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June 27, 2011
I think, just maybe, this is true.
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June 27, 2011
I know you probably get a million of these messages everyday. About the whole suicide and depression thing. And my message probably doesn't stick out, but, in one of your recent posts you said that you wished you hit a vein when you were cutting. You easily could have, if you wanted to. But you didn't. That means something. You don't really wanna go yet. And even if you've attempted and failed, THAT means something to. It's not your time to go. I know how much depression sucks, I'm going through it right now, and have been going through it for awhile. I started cutting about a month and a half ago, on my upper thigh. Not too deep though. And once the scars faded, you couldn't even tell. But now it's bikini season, and I can't cut anywhere. I've only cut a few times, nothing too serious. But the other night, I was having a terrible night and I wanted to cut. And I just snapped. I took a shard of glass and I cut on my side, where it's covered by my bikini bottoms. I can stop anytime I'd like, I'm not addicted to it. But I know you are, and it's hard. But you've been dealing with this shit for SO LONG, so why give up? WHy would you wanna spend years of feeling like this, just to give up? That's shitty. Listen to me, it's hard, I know. But you won't always feel like this. There'll be times in life when you're sad, mad, happy, lonely, ecstatic, and so many other emotions. Nothing is temporary. And I believe in you. And if you're going to say something as a defense to anything I just said, then don't reply. Just keep re-reading it until you feel like you're worth something.
- caitlinnmariie
You know, you’re probably right. I’m not quite ready to go through with suicide, but everyday I get more and more ready, Until eventually I am. Every little thing just builds up to it.
If you feel like you want to cut, but you don’t want to try the rubber band thing. It feels kinda good…
And yeah, instead of having a defense I’ll just leave it at that.
June 26, 2011
This seems like such an effortless thing.
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June 25, 2011
I track these tags to see what other people are going through, and it gets full every 5 minutes. It sad to see so many people feel this way.
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June 24, 2011
suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem. don't waste your life, don't waste yourself. it feels hopeless, but it's not. things change. i believe, and i dont know if this is right, that people are put through certain challenges and hardships in life so they can better deal with the things they will go through later. to make them learn, grow, understand, and experience. to make you in to the person you are going to be one day, to do the great things you are going to do. and no, i'm not saying cure cancer, but maybe be a friend, or a mother. you have no idea how your life will play out. i have wanted to kill myself. you would be shortchanging all the beauty and people and memories you will have one day. i believe you must take the bad with the good, because without the bad, you wouldn't know how good the good really is. i do not believe in god, but i believe in spirituality. i was depressed for 4 years and still am on and off. i have been on medication. i find that there is no cure except for when my depression ebbs and flows, and it just goes away for a period of time. i have to teach myself to get rid of my destructive thoughts, not rely on smoking pot everyday and drinking on the weekends, (you'd be suprised, your story is not much different than mine, but i live in a suburb in florida.) and teach myself how to live purposefully. thats why we want to die, we have no purpose. but i believe with all my heart that i will find it someday, and so should you. i understand your parents lack of compassion is disgusting but not everyone is like that. i understand how isolated you are is driving you crazy. try to fight it. have compassion for yourself. (i know how hard that is when all you keep thinking is how much you hate yourself. everytime i would see a lake i tould think about how terrible i am and how i should drown myself in it when im in a depressed state.) but you have to try. youre learning this lesson early in life and you shouldnt have to because parents are supposed to protect you from the bad. but all you have is yourself so the destructive, hopeless thinking is hurting you, killing you, stealing your potential. this is where i come back to spirituality. i know how hard it is to think about anything but hate, ive lived in it and breathed it in and ate it and bathed in it. but i was so miserable when im like that nd its not worth it. if youre alone, try to embrace it. sit under a tree and read a book. read books about girls just like you. read books about psychology. i learned so much about whats going on in my brain causing me to think theres no hope. i can recommend books. maybe you like art or writing. create something from your pain. create something aching and ugly. my unwanted advice: keep pushing on. when you are old and married, maybe 20, 30, even 40. you will thank yourself. redirect the intense amounts of emotion into another outlet. change your craving for blood to a craving for film, knowledge, art, nature. (grow flowers!!! give beauty to a world you hate.) one day you will come out of this haze, but if you kill yourself, you never will, and all you will know from life is pain and misery when theres so much you and i have no idea whats out there. maybe nothing. maybe somethng fufilling and beautiful.
- dointime
It’s just so hard to hope when I don’t feel like I have any. I’ve been fighting for the longest time, trying not to let all this get to me, but when nothing I do is helping there really isn’t anything left to do. Even when I should be having fun and enjoying myself all I can think about is dying. I just hate life so much. How people make themselves miserable just because of one little thing, and they make everything more complicated.
Right now, I don’t really even care about a future. I don’t really want one. I don’t want to go through life and more pain to eventually die when I’m not ready. Right now it feels like I’m ready.
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June 24, 2011
I wonder who would go to my funeral.
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June 10, 2011
